Insecure 

Friday, December 31, 2010 - Posted by -Kel at 6:54 PM
We are standing at the kitchen counter stuffing our mouths with chips and onion dip when she turns to me and says "You know, I've found that I'm just not worried about how my body looks as much anymore." I pause, mouth open, chip half way there to stare at her incredulously, taking in the perfectly petite woman standing next to me and unable to believe what I think I just heard her say. And I mean that too. At not quite 5 feet tall, she might weigh all of 105 pounds. I can't help but think to myself "when have you ever had to worry about what your body looks like?"

And I feel totally justified in this thought. See, we are complete opposites, she and I. Where she is short enough for it to be cute, I am only short enough that regular pants are too long but petite sizes are too short. Where she has smooth golden skin, I am pasty white and still have acne at the age of 33. While she is thin and firm and able to wear any of the current form fitting styles of today, at 188 pounds and a size 14 I want to cry at just the thought of needing to buy new clothes.

She is one of those women that you pass in the mall and immediately think, bitch!

Except that she really isn't. She is funny and sweet and genuine, and like the rest of the women in my family, she is only a bitch when it is necessary and she fits right in.

Her comment was not some passive/aggressive attempt at calling me out on my own weight or appearance. It was simply a statement from one Mom to another about how life and priorities change after having a kid.

It is my own insecurity and unhappiness with my weight that makes it seem like an attack. I know that my self esteem shouldn't be tied to my weight, but a big part of it is. And I also know how to feel better about myself. I know all about portion control and eating healthy and getting some exercise in order to lose the weight, but I've found myself making excuse after excuse for why I can't start just yet. Like the popcorn in the pantry and the wine in the fridge (I can't just throw it all away! That's so wasteful!). And I can't start quite yet, because we are going for ITALIAN FOOD on Sunday, and I am such a sucker for good Italian food. See? I am very good at finding reasons to put it all off.

And now I am forced to wonder, why? Why am I not disgusted enough with this body that I hate in order to take some action and do something about it? Is it that I'm just lazy? I know full well that it won't happen on it's own. I've got to actually make the decision and do it, and stick with it. But then I guess, maybe, I'm afraid I'm going to miss out on something. Deep down I know that is ridiculous, but I can't help feeling that way.

Then again, maybe I've become one of those Moms whose life and priorities have changed since having a kid...