Epiphany 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012 - Posted by -Kel at 1:01 PM
"I like you, but I don't love you anymore," he said to me. He was very no-nonsense about it, just laying it all out there without mincing his words. "You are mean to me, and you are mean to Squirt, and so I don't love you anymore. You have two weeks to convince me that I'm still in love with you or I'm taking him and we are leaving." I felt my heart drop to my stomach and the bile rise in my throat. I was hysterical, dropping to my knees and begging him to reconsider, to please give me another chance. I could feel my entire world falling to pieces.

I woke up sobbing Sunday morning. It was only a dream, but the feeling that it left in its wake was unshakable. I could taste the fear and heart-break, and even though he lay next to me in the bed, I had a hard time convincing myself that the nightmare was not real.

Because to a point, it is real. Or has the potential to be real, anyway. Over the last couple of days I've thought about this dream almost continuously. There is truth in the words he spoke to me, things that deep down I was always aware of, but chose to avoid facing. I've got to face these things or I will risk losing two of the most important things in my life. My husband and my son.

I am mean. To the two people who love me most in the world, I am unnecessarily mean.

I am short tempered and quick to yell. The words "NO!", "STOP!", "ENOUGH", and "BE QUIET!" are common fixtures in my vocabulary at home. And not just to my lively, energetic son which in itself is bad enough. I am snarky and snappish to my husband. I speak to him condescendingly which is absurd because I am in no was superior to him. I take out my bad mood and attitude on him and I don't think twice about the way my words could hurt him, intended or not.

My mother gave me a book to read when I was 20, entitled "The Dance of Anger". I barely even glanced at it (literally, to the point that for months I thought the title was "The Danger of Anger"), and upon seeing the word "Anger" promptly tossed it in a corner of my room hoping to make it disappear. I scowled at the bedroom door thinking "I'm not the one with the problem lady, you are!". But I am.

I am an "angry" person with no reason for my anger that I am aware of.

Hubby said that it's just like we tell Squirt all the time; think before you do something. So how do you do that exactly? How do you make something that is completely unconscious, conscious? Because that is what a reaction is. An automatic, unconscious response to some stimulus. So how do I do it? Do I go back and find a copy of that book and attempt to read it? Would it do any good?

What do I do and how do I do it?

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This post brought to you by the letters W T and F. 

Monday, July 23, 2012 - Posted by -Kel at 8:38 AM
I am completely amazed by the number of stupid "smart" people that I come in contact with every day. People who are "smart" enough to have gone to college and gotten AT LEAST a bachelors degree in SOMETHING. People that I work with every day and who hold positions that make at least twice what I do every day. This irritates me to no end.

Take, for instance, one of our staff psychologist. She holds no less than a Masters degree in psychology. You would think that a woman with this amount of education could do something as simple as keep track of receipts while on official travel and be able to turn them in properly in order to settle and be reimbursed. Obviously I expect far too much out of people.

I received a folder from the above mentioned "Dr." containing a travel recap sheet and some other odd bits of paper. The odd bits included a receipt for the parking garage, and a green sticky note attached to a baggage claim ticket.

     "Can't find my ticket stub for my flight from OKC to Denver, but I've attached my luggage claim ticket for that flight."

Hmmm. That's great... But just what the fuck am I supposed to do with a baggage claim ticket??? I assume you have already claimed said luggage so I can't even do that for you... Does this claim ticket perhaps show the price paid for your airline ticket??? You know, a number that I would actually need in order to settle your travel for you??? No??? THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE IT TO ME??? WHAT THE HELL GOOD DO YOU THINK IT DOES ANYONE???? But being the good employee that I am, I managed to find the ticketing confirmation that I needed without having to bother the busy "Dr." with such a petty, unimportant thing.


And then there is the "Specialist" in the office next to mine. Now she certainly isn't educated in any way, and it shows. But beyond that, she just doesn't have any common sense either! And she is a higher grade than me too!!! She comes in this morning going on about "I have been sooooo sick!". Well there has been a little stomach bug going around so I asked if that was what had been wrong, assuming it was just a weekend thing. See the comment above regarding my expectations of others...

"Oh no. I've got that sinus thing that's been going around. I'm running a fever blah blah blah..."

Now obviously she didn't say blah blah blah, but you know I pretty much stopped listening after the whole "fever" thing was mentioned. Um, you have a fever???? Why the hell are you here?

"Oh well I took some Tylenol this morning so I feel OK for now..."

I'm not concerned with how you feel, you nitwit!!! You are running a fever, which means you are fucking contagious!!! I just got over this shit 3 weeks ago, and I have to travel for work next week! So help me, if I wind up getting sick again, someone is going down. I honestly just don't get it! I didn't think that common courtesy required any mental acuity, but obviously I am wrong yet again. With the stuff I have to put up with at work, I think I should get an award for not having stabbed any one yet...

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