Epiphany

Tuesday, September 18, 2012 - Posted by -Kel at 1:01 PM
"I like you, but I don't love you anymore," he said to me. He was very no-nonsense about it, just laying it all out there without mincing his words. "You are mean to me, and you are mean to Squirt, and so I don't love you anymore. You have two weeks to convince me that I'm still in love with you or I'm taking him and we are leaving." I felt my heart drop to my stomach and the bile rise in my throat. I was hysterical, dropping to my knees and begging him to reconsider, to please give me another chance. I could feel my entire world falling to pieces.

I woke up sobbing Sunday morning. It was only a dream, but the feeling that it left in its wake was unshakable. I could taste the fear and heart-break, and even though he lay next to me in the bed, I had a hard time convincing myself that the nightmare was not real.

Because to a point, it is real. Or has the potential to be real, anyway. Over the last couple of days I've thought about this dream almost continuously. There is truth in the words he spoke to me, things that deep down I was always aware of, but chose to avoid facing. I've got to face these things or I will risk losing two of the most important things in my life. My husband and my son.

I am mean. To the two people who love me most in the world, I am unnecessarily mean.

I am short tempered and quick to yell. The words "NO!", "STOP!", "ENOUGH", and "BE QUIET!" are common fixtures in my vocabulary at home. And not just to my lively, energetic son which in itself is bad enough. I am snarky and snappish to my husband. I speak to him condescendingly which is absurd because I am in no was superior to him. I take out my bad mood and attitude on him and I don't think twice about the way my words could hurt him, intended or not.

My mother gave me a book to read when I was 20, entitled "The Dance of Anger". I barely even glanced at it (literally, to the point that for months I thought the title was "The Danger of Anger"), and upon seeing the word "Anger" promptly tossed it in a corner of my room hoping to make it disappear. I scowled at the bedroom door thinking "I'm not the one with the problem lady, you are!". But I am.

I am an "angry" person with no reason for my anger that I am aware of.

Hubby said that it's just like we tell Squirt all the time; think before you do something. So how do you do that exactly? How do you make something that is completely unconscious, conscious? Because that is what a reaction is. An automatic, unconscious response to some stimulus. So how do I do it? Do I go back and find a copy of that book and attempt to read it? Would it do any good?

What do I do and how do I do it?

This post brought to you by the letters W T and F.

Monday, July 23, 2012 - Posted by -Kel at 8:38 AM
I am completely amazed by the number of stupid "smart" people that I come in contact with every day. People who are "smart" enough to have gone to college and gotten AT LEAST a bachelors degree in SOMETHING. People that I work with every day and who hold positions that make at least twice what I do every day. This irritates me to no end.

Take, for instance, one of our staff psychologist. She holds no less than a Masters degree in psychology. You would think that a woman with this amount of education could do something as simple as keep track of receipts while on official travel and be able to turn them in properly in order to settle and be reimbursed. Obviously I expect far too much out of people.

I received a folder from the above mentioned "Dr." containing a travel recap sheet and some other odd bits of paper. The odd bits included a receipt for the parking garage, and a green sticky note attached to a baggage claim ticket.

     "Can't find my ticket stub for my flight from OKC to Denver, but I've attached my luggage claim ticket for that flight."

Hmmm. That's great... But just what the fuck am I supposed to do with a baggage claim ticket??? I assume you have already claimed said luggage so I can't even do that for you... Does this claim ticket perhaps show the price paid for your airline ticket??? You know, a number that I would actually need in order to settle your travel for you??? No??? THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE IT TO ME??? WHAT THE HELL GOOD DO YOU THINK IT DOES ANYONE???? But being the good employee that I am, I managed to find the ticketing confirmation that I needed without having to bother the busy "Dr." with such a petty, unimportant thing.


And then there is the "Specialist" in the office next to mine. Now she certainly isn't educated in any way, and it shows. But beyond that, she just doesn't have any common sense either! And she is a higher grade than me too!!! She comes in this morning going on about "I have been sooooo sick!". Well there has been a little stomach bug going around so I asked if that was what had been wrong, assuming it was just a weekend thing. See the comment above regarding my expectations of others...

"Oh no. I've got that sinus thing that's been going around. I'm running a fever blah blah blah..."

Now obviously she didn't say blah blah blah, but you know I pretty much stopped listening after the whole "fever" thing was mentioned. Um, you have a fever???? Why the hell are you here?

"Oh well I took some Tylenol this morning so I feel OK for now..."

I'm not concerned with how you feel, you nitwit!!! You are running a fever, which means you are fucking contagious!!! I just got over this shit 3 weeks ago, and I have to travel for work next week! So help me, if I wind up getting sick again, someone is going down. I honestly just don't get it! I didn't think that common courtesy required any mental acuity, but obviously I am wrong yet again. With the stuff I have to put up with at work, I think I should get an award for not having stabbed any one yet...

The Magic School Bus

Sunday, September 4, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 1:05 PM
Ah yes, The Magic School Bus.

A rather entertaining (and surprisingly educational) cartoon. If you're 6.

Squirt and his cousin K insist on watching The Magic School Bus every morning before going to school.

They also insist on getting one of the many Magic School Bus books from the school library each week as well.

Hubby and I read to Squirt before bed each night, and to see him pull a Magic School Bus book out of his backpack is sure to incite groans, eye rolling, and at times out right refusal to touch the thing. You see, as educational as these books are, they are also insufferably LONG! Definitely NOT a bedtime book.  It got to the point last year that I told the little man that he was not to bring another one home from the library for the rest of the year. Imagine my amusement when volunteering in his class, only to hear another mother bemoaning her own kids (twins!) each bringing them home every week. I was so glad to know I wasn't alone in my dread of seeing them.

The second week of school has just ended. Squirt's class had their first weekly trip to the school library on Thursday. Guess what he pulled out of his backpack that night...


I could have sworn that we had already read all of these that were in print. If I have to see another Magic School Bus book come home, I think I may have to take my own life with a #2 pencil.

YUM!

Friday, September 2, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 3:54 PM
Hubby and I bought a small watermelon for the little man a couple of weeks ago. Saturday morning we finally got around to cutting it open.

Squirt is really the only one of us that particularly cares for watermelon, but even I have to admit, this one was GOOD!



Really, REALLY good!




Apparently the level of yummy is determined by the amount of juice you are covered in by the time you finish it.



Doesn't that look good to you?

Niki and Quinn

Friday, August 12, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 12:49 PM
I learned so much on my latest photo session.

Like the fact that the sun (even 9 o'clock, which most people think of as early) is not your friend when it comes to photography. Oh, the hot spots and shadows!

And 9 o'clock in the morning during the summer in Oklahoma is like visiting the mouth of Hell itself. I was sweating in places I didn't know were capable of sweating.

And finally I re-learned (is that a word?) that most 18 month old toddlers do not like strangers. See, the reason I had forgotten this fact is that my own son was never this way. To him, a stranger was just a new friend in the making.

So as we started, this adorable little blond boy wanted nothing to do with me. Every time I tried to get in for a shot he would start kicking and screaming in his little buggy, wanting Mommy to take him away. = (

I had to figure out a way to make friends. Apparently my giant blue bottle of water was WAY cooler than any old sippy cup that Mommy could provide. So I shared my water with him, and then convinced him to chase me down the sidewalk, running ahead and turning quickly to get the picture snapped.

It worked! And by the time we were finished, I actually got a wave, a "bye!" and a high five.  = )

So here are a few of my favorite shots. Isn't his Mommy gorgeous? She loves anything and everything that is 40's and 50's style vintage. I honestly believe she was a 1950's house wife in a former life.

I can't wait to see them again and get the whole family.







Newborn Photography

Saturday, July 16, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 10:40 AM
OK, yes. I know. I am a bad, bad blogger. And I have lots to update on, but you will have to suffer through this little tooting of my own horn first.

3 weeks ago my coworker had a baby boy. And 2 weeks ago, I got to go over to her house and practice my photography on him. He was just awesome. Not only was he adorable, but he was perfect for what we were doing to him. He slept on while we flipped him and flopped him and turned him this way and that. We even got to undress him for the token "nekkid" baby pictures.

It took me 2 weeks to process the best pictures, and I have to say, I am so proud of how they turned out.
I don't have any type of backdrop setup, so we used her couch, a couple of sofa pillows and two of his baby blankets. I know that you aren't supposed to be boastful and all, but really I feel these pictures are great! What do you think? I'd love to get some feedback. Good, bad, what I could/should have done differently. Feel free to let me know. I can't improve if I don't know what needs improving in others eyes.



 Practicing my "vintage" processing in this one.


I just love his squishy little face in this one.




I need to find a reason to shoot more often! 

A Child's Wisdom

Friday, May 6, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 6:31 AM
We were all sitting in the living room a couple of nights ago watching TV. Actually, Hubby and I were talking and Squirt was watching the TV when I heard him pipe up with "Mommy, you need that". I looked up at the TV to see a commercial for ROC anti-aging cream.

Hubby tried to stiffle his laughter while asking "Why does Mommy need that?"
"Well it's for wrinkles." said my very smart child.

I sat in the recliner trying to look as wounded as I felt. "You think Mommy has wrinkles?"

Then this child looked at me with his most serious face and said, "Don't you remember, Mommy? When we go swimming in Nana's pool your fingers and toes get all wrinkly."

You just can't argue with a child's logic.