Epiphany 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012 - Posted by -Kel at 1:01 PM
"I like you, but I don't love you anymore," he said to me. He was very no-nonsense about it, just laying it all out there without mincing his words. "You are mean to me, and you are mean to Squirt, and so I don't love you anymore. You have two weeks to convince me that I'm still in love with you or I'm taking him and we are leaving." I felt my heart drop to my stomach and the bile rise in my throat. I was hysterical, dropping to my knees and begging him to reconsider, to please give me another chance. I could feel my entire world falling to pieces.

I woke up sobbing Sunday morning. It was only a dream, but the feeling that it left in its wake was unshakable. I could taste the fear and heart-break, and even though he lay next to me in the bed, I had a hard time convincing myself that the nightmare was not real.

Because to a point, it is real. Or has the potential to be real, anyway. Over the last couple of days I've thought about this dream almost continuously. There is truth in the words he spoke to me, things that deep down I was always aware of, but chose to avoid facing. I've got to face these things or I will risk losing two of the most important things in my life. My husband and my son.

I am mean. To the two people who love me most in the world, I am unnecessarily mean.

I am short tempered and quick to yell. The words "NO!", "STOP!", "ENOUGH", and "BE QUIET!" are common fixtures in my vocabulary at home. And not just to my lively, energetic son which in itself is bad enough. I am snarky and snappish to my husband. I speak to him condescendingly which is absurd because I am in no was superior to him. I take out my bad mood and attitude on him and I don't think twice about the way my words could hurt him, intended or not.

My mother gave me a book to read when I was 20, entitled "The Dance of Anger". I barely even glanced at it (literally, to the point that for months I thought the title was "The Danger of Anger"), and upon seeing the word "Anger" promptly tossed it in a corner of my room hoping to make it disappear. I scowled at the bedroom door thinking "I'm not the one with the problem lady, you are!". But I am.

I am an "angry" person with no reason for my anger that I am aware of.

Hubby said that it's just like we tell Squirt all the time; think before you do something. So how do you do that exactly? How do you make something that is completely unconscious, conscious? Because that is what a reaction is. An automatic, unconscious response to some stimulus. So how do I do it? Do I go back and find a copy of that book and attempt to read it? Would it do any good?

What do I do and how do I do it?

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This post brought to you by the letters W T and F. 

Monday, July 23, 2012 - Posted by -Kel at 8:38 AM
I am completely amazed by the number of stupid "smart" people that I come in contact with every day. People who are "smart" enough to have gone to college and gotten AT LEAST a bachelors degree in SOMETHING. People that I work with every day and who hold positions that make at least twice what I do every day. This irritates me to no end.

Take, for instance, one of our staff psychologist. She holds no less than a Masters degree in psychology. You would think that a woman with this amount of education could do something as simple as keep track of receipts while on official travel and be able to turn them in properly in order to settle and be reimbursed. Obviously I expect far too much out of people.

I received a folder from the above mentioned "Dr." containing a travel recap sheet and some other odd bits of paper. The odd bits included a receipt for the parking garage, and a green sticky note attached to a baggage claim ticket.

     "Can't find my ticket stub for my flight from OKC to Denver, but I've attached my luggage claim ticket for that flight."

Hmmm. That's great... But just what the fuck am I supposed to do with a baggage claim ticket??? I assume you have already claimed said luggage so I can't even do that for you... Does this claim ticket perhaps show the price paid for your airline ticket??? You know, a number that I would actually need in order to settle your travel for you??? No??? THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE IT TO ME??? WHAT THE HELL GOOD DO YOU THINK IT DOES ANYONE???? But being the good employee that I am, I managed to find the ticketing confirmation that I needed without having to bother the busy "Dr." with such a petty, unimportant thing.


And then there is the "Specialist" in the office next to mine. Now she certainly isn't educated in any way, and it shows. But beyond that, she just doesn't have any common sense either! And she is a higher grade than me too!!! She comes in this morning going on about "I have been sooooo sick!". Well there has been a little stomach bug going around so I asked if that was what had been wrong, assuming it was just a weekend thing. See the comment above regarding my expectations of others...

"Oh no. I've got that sinus thing that's been going around. I'm running a fever blah blah blah..."

Now obviously she didn't say blah blah blah, but you know I pretty much stopped listening after the whole "fever" thing was mentioned. Um, you have a fever???? Why the hell are you here?

"Oh well I took some Tylenol this morning so I feel OK for now..."

I'm not concerned with how you feel, you nitwit!!! You are running a fever, which means you are fucking contagious!!! I just got over this shit 3 weeks ago, and I have to travel for work next week! So help me, if I wind up getting sick again, someone is going down. I honestly just don't get it! I didn't think that common courtesy required any mental acuity, but obviously I am wrong yet again. With the stuff I have to put up with at work, I think I should get an award for not having stabbed any one yet...

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The Magic School Bus 

Sunday, September 4, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 1:05 PM
Ah yes, The Magic School Bus.

A rather entertaining (and surprisingly educational) cartoon. If you're 6.

Squirt and his cousin K insist on watching The Magic School Bus every morning before going to school.

They also insist on getting one of the many Magic School Bus books from the school library each week as well.

Hubby and I read to Squirt before bed each night, and to see him pull a Magic School Bus book out of his backpack is sure to incite groans, eye rolling, and at times out right refusal to touch the thing. You see, as educational as these books are, they are also insufferably LONG! Definitely NOT a bedtime book.  It got to the point last year that I told the little man that he was not to bring another one home from the library for the rest of the year. Imagine my amusement when volunteering in his class, only to hear another mother bemoaning her own kids (twins!) each bringing them home every week. I was so glad to know I wasn't alone in my dread of seeing them.

The second week of school has just ended. Squirt's class had their first weekly trip to the school library on Thursday. Guess what he pulled out of his backpack that night...


I could have sworn that we had already read all of these that were in print. If I have to see another Magic School Bus book come home, I think I may have to take my own life with a #2 pencil.

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YUM! 

Friday, September 2, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 3:54 PM
Hubby and I bought a small watermelon for the little man a couple of weeks ago. Saturday morning we finally got around to cutting it open.

Squirt is really the only one of us that particularly cares for watermelon, but even I have to admit, this one was GOOD!



Really, REALLY good!




Apparently the level of yummy is determined by the amount of juice you are covered in by the time you finish it.



Doesn't that look good to you?

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Niki and Quinn 

Friday, August 12, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 12:49 PM
I learned so much on my latest photo session.

Like the fact that the sun (even 9 o'clock, which most people think of as early) is not your friend when it comes to photography. Oh, the hot spots and shadows!

And 9 o'clock in the morning during the summer in Oklahoma is like visiting the mouth of Hell itself. I was sweating in places I didn't know were capable of sweating.

And finally I re-learned (is that a word?) that most 18 month old toddlers do not like strangers. See, the reason I had forgotten this fact is that my own son was never this way. To him, a stranger was just a new friend in the making.

So as we started, this adorable little blond boy wanted nothing to do with me. Every time I tried to get in for a shot he would start kicking and screaming in his little buggy, wanting Mommy to take him away. = (

I had to figure out a way to make friends. Apparently my giant blue bottle of water was WAY cooler than any old sippy cup that Mommy could provide. So I shared my water with him, and then convinced him to chase me down the sidewalk, running ahead and turning quickly to get the picture snapped.

It worked! And by the time we were finished, I actually got a wave, a "bye!" and a high five.  = )

So here are a few of my favorite shots. Isn't his Mommy gorgeous? She loves anything and everything that is 40's and 50's style vintage. I honestly believe she was a 1950's house wife in a former life.

I can't wait to see them again and get the whole family.







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Newborn Photography 

Saturday, July 16, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 10:40 AM
OK, yes. I know. I am a bad, bad blogger. And I have lots to update on, but you will have to suffer through this little tooting of my own horn first.

3 weeks ago my coworker had a baby boy. And 2 weeks ago, I got to go over to her house and practice my photography on him. He was just awesome. Not only was he adorable, but he was perfect for what we were doing to him. He slept on while we flipped him and flopped him and turned him this way and that. We even got to undress him for the token "nekkid" baby pictures.

It took me 2 weeks to process the best pictures, and I have to say, I am so proud of how they turned out.
I don't have any type of backdrop setup, so we used her couch, a couple of sofa pillows and two of his baby blankets. I know that you aren't supposed to be boastful and all, but really I feel these pictures are great! What do you think? I'd love to get some feedback. Good, bad, what I could/should have done differently. Feel free to let me know. I can't improve if I don't know what needs improving in others eyes.



 Practicing my "vintage" processing in this one.


I just love his squishy little face in this one.




I need to find a reason to shoot more often! 

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A Child's Wisdom 

Friday, May 6, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 6:31 AM
We were all sitting in the living room a couple of nights ago watching TV. Actually, Hubby and I were talking and Squirt was watching the TV when I heard him pipe up with "Mommy, you need that". I looked up at the TV to see a commercial for ROC anti-aging cream.

Hubby tried to stiffle his laughter while asking "Why does Mommy need that?"
"Well it's for wrinkles." said my very smart child.

I sat in the recliner trying to look as wounded as I felt. "You think Mommy has wrinkles?"

Then this child looked at me with his most serious face and said, "Don't you remember, Mommy? When we go swimming in Nana's pool your fingers and toes get all wrinkly."

You just can't argue with a child's logic.

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My Ass Hurts 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 6:11 PM
I work in a pretty cool office, with some fun people. Two in particular make my day go by better and I consider them my friends.

C is a transplant from another institution. She is funny and smart and just a cool person. T was an officer for 13 1/2 years. No subject is off limits and nothing is taboo. We all tease each other, have fun, laugh and sometimes C and I gang up on T.

Today I was sitting on the spare desk in T's office just visiting, when C walks in, goes past me and around to stand behind T. She had decided to hijack his email. She grabbed him and started trying to pull him away from the computer and yelled "Quick! Open his email!"

I jumped up and leaned over the top of T's desk trying to get to the mouse while he tried wrestling away from C to stop me. Now, something you should know about T is that he's about 6' 3" tall. He is TALL. So while I am trying to get into his email, he is stretching out reaching for the power button to shut the whole thing down. And he was having better luck than I was.

Suddenly I hear from C, "Damn! He's so long!"

We all lost it. C starts cracking up and lets go of T. He starts cracking up and when C lets go of him, he shifts sideways. I start laughing and apparently had been leaning on T just a little too much, because when he moved, I rolled off the desk and landed on the floor. This of course sends us over the edge. Side splitting, dying, crying, can not breathe laughing.

And this is the story of why my ass hurts.

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OMG, OMG, OMG! 

Sunday, April 24, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 8:01 AM
Ok, so I might be biased, but I really do think that I have one of THE cutest kids in exsistance.

Squirt's t-ball team won a pre-season tournament out in Jones last month, completely undefeated. In fact, they didn't have their first loss until just this past Tuesday. After they won the tournament, their coach entered them in a contest at one of the local news stations (news9) called "Little Blitzers". The weekly winner would have one of their games covered, just like college and the pros, with highlights and commentary. The footage would play on the news, and the team would win a party for 40 people to Braums (a burger and icecream joint).

Guess whose team won the very first week??? GO SOONERS!!!

Here is the link to the footage from last nights 10 o'clock news. You better watch, because it's too cute.

And this is the second time that he's been on the news. About a month ago, the same channel sent their morning weather guy to throw a pizza party for Little Man's Kindergarten class!

The camera loves him, don't you think?

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Boy in a Box 

Friday, April 22, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 6:21 PM
This one is from the end of January. I just now got around to editing a bunch of pictures on the computer.

This is an example of the kind of thing I wake up to when I am (rarely) the last one to get out of bed.


He looks cozy, doesn't he?

I really think the fake hard hat completes the ensemble.

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Muffmans 

Sunday, April 17, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 10:33 AM
I shot up out of bed at 8:30 this morning to hear Squirt bawling. Apparently Daddy and I slept in too late and the poor kid was "starving to deaf". Those are his words, not mine. Maybe that's why he has problems with doing what he's told, because he's always "starving to deaf".

So we all got up and I gave him a little dry cereal to tide him over while he helped me make blueberry muffins, or as the little man calls them, muffmans.


And because he's always such a willing little helper, I decided to let him have first pick when they were done.



This is him informing me that since the hole from the toothpick is in this muffin, then it must be the biggest and that's the one he wants.

Isn't he just too cute? He's gonna be the "deaf" of me one of these days.



I'm linking up again with Rebecca over at simple as that. Enjoy your Sunday!



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Ill 

Friday, April 15, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 4:15 PM
I am completely sick to my stomach. What am I going to do with this kid???

I just got a note from the teacher (again) about his behavior. I thought he had been doing so well! He was telling me that school was great and even said he got rewarded by the substitute on Tuesday.

Now I'm being told that he's been "struggling with good choices this week" and that he was hitting. And not just because the other kid hit him, he also hit someone that hadn't even touched him.

Now she is saying that this is his warning and that next time he won't get to go to the zoo with the rest of the class next week. Why is my good kid turning back in to this crazy, impulsive brat?

Hubby told him last night that if he could behave the rest of the week (just one more day!), then he would go get him pancakes from Braums for breakfast on Saturday. Guess who won't be getting pancakes tomorrow.

I know that the late nights with t-ball probably have a little to do with it, but I don't want to use that as an excuse. He knows how he is supposed to behave!

And while I'm definitely upset/mad/angry/whatever, I also feel bad for him. He was bawling and I didn't raise my voice at all. I did send him to bed though. He looked so tired and was crying, so I told him to go take a nap.

I'm just hoping that this is not a sign of what the rest of his school career is going to be like.  = (

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Houston... 

Wednesday, April 6, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 4:13 PM
We have a problem.

Not a single post for the month of March.

I know it's my own fault. I haven't taken the time to sit down and write anything.

For some reason, I have convinced myself that no one wants to read about all of the mundane goings on in my life.

Like the fact that Hubby decided to sell the tractor, and I am the one that actually found him a buyer. I told him that I should get a handling fee for that. I was paid with new scrapbook materials! = )



Or the fact that Squirt decided to play t-ball instead of soccer this season, and I don't think I've ever seen anything so funny in all of my life. 3, 4, and 5 year olds trying to play baseball??? Hilarious.



Or how about how funny I must be when I go watch him play ball? Jumping up and down and screaming and yelling my fool head off. I think I must scare the other parents.

And the boys both got haircuts this weekend. I like Hubby's short short. But I like Squirts longer on top.

A coworker of mine wants me to do maternity pictures for her, but she had some others done by a member of her church that were gorgeous and so now I'm not feeling very confident. I worry that mine won't be as good as the other ones. I'm always second guessing myself. It's why I don't usually have any follow thru on dreams/goals/etc...

We had a scheduled black-out at work today. Joy. A prison, in the warmth of Oklahoma, with no circulating air. That place has the potential to be RIPE.

OK. That's all for now.



I need to go locate my wit and humor.

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My Left Foot 

Saturday, February 26, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 5:54 PM
No, not the movie.

First, let me say HOLY CRAP! My last post has received 82 page views so far! I submitted it to the weekly simple things photo challenge over at simple as that, and Rebecca chose it and 2 others to feature for the simple things roundup! Yay me!

Any way. On with the story.

I work in the business office of a prison. This means that I must pass through a metal detector, and my bags are run through an x-ray machine everyday. What this also means is that I must undress a bit and take as much metal off of my body as possible so that I don't set off the metal detector. Nice in theory, but it just doesn't work that way. My bra sets the stupid thing off every time, and I sure as hell am not coming in without a bra on just so the metal detector doesn't beep at me. No one wants to see that. Trust me.

For the most part, the undressing and setting off the metal detector only to be "wanded" doesn't really bother me. The part that bothers me is having to remove my shoes. Most people don't know this but women's dress shoes, the kind with even just 1 inch of heel, have a metal "shank" running through the sole to help keep the shape of the shoe. OK, fine. So maybe you did know that, but I didn't until I started working at the prison.

Again! Onward! A couple of girls at work have started wearing these black, slip-on tennis shoe like things. They kinda fit snug like wrestling shoes and they go through the metal detector without setting it off. You see where I am going with this, right? The search was on for me to find a pair of these shoes. I hit the jack pot at Payless. I called the one closest to work and asked them to hold a pair in my size, and then I raced over there right after work.

I tried one on and it was just a tad too snug around my toes so I grabbed a wide width and the next 1/2 size up. The wide width felt best so I bought it and went home, excited to get to wear my new "metal detector proof" shoes the next day. So the next morning comes, and I am preparing to leave for work (at 5:15 A.M. mind) and notice that my shoes feel a little funny. And really, it's not that they feel bad, just different. As in, different from each other!!! I sat down and yanked them off to look at the tags inside each shoe. And what do you think I saw???

Yup. The right one (which is the only one I tried on in the store. I know I'm stupid) is an 8W. The left one is an 8. Regular. A normal person would have put them back in the box to exchange after work. Not me. I wore those shoes that I had lusted after for so long. And really it wasn't so bad. The left shoe is only slightly tighter than the right and I don't notice it unless I'm actively thinking about it. So I have come to two conclusions... 1. Always try on both shoes at the store. That or look at the tags in each and make sure they match.  2. My left foot is the only skinny thing on my body at this point. I'm getting there, but that's a story for another day.

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Laundry 

Sunday, February 20, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 11:00 AM
I do most of the laundry on the weekend; Sunday to be exact.

On Friday evening, when I was on my way to make my final check on Squirt before turning in, I saw something out of the corner of my eye that confused me at first.

There was a pile of clothes next to mine and hubby's hamper. Upon further inspection I realized that it was a pile of Squirt's clothes.

Apparently, knowing that it was the beginning of the weekend, the little man brought all of his dirty laundry into our room and deposited it where he knew I would then separate it for the wash.

Such a simple thing that made me smile.






You can join Rebecca and the rest of the simple things here.

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Sleeping Cutie 

Sunday, February 13, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 3:30 PM
I usually check on the little man a couple of times a night, especially this past week because he's been a little wheezy. I never know what I will walk in to his room and see. He is arms and legs sprawled everywhere and I usually get a little giggle a couple of times a week at whatever odd position he has chosen. This past week was no different. He had piled all of the stuffed animals into the corner of the bed (he sleeps with a zoo!) and put his pillow on top. Apparently he was deep in thought when he finally fell asleep, for this is what I found.



 This is my simple thing that made me smile this week. You can check out the rest of them here.








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Snow Much Fun! 

Sunday, February 6, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 9:34 AM
I've decided to join Sam in this weeks Simple Things photo challenge. It is a weekly challenge hosted at Simple as That, a blog I've been following for about a month now. The blogger, Rebecca, is a photographer by trade. I am hoping that by aiming to contribute to the challenge every week, I will be forced to pick up the camera more often. I think it's been sitting on my desk for at least 3 weeks. So here is my contribution this week. Little man playing in the snow, and an image of how something as simple as throwing a snow ball at mama made him so happy.
 
 
 
 
 

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Vote! 

Friday, February 4, 2011 - Posted by -Kel at 7:21 PM
OK, so I've been playing around with some editing and some actions that I downloaded for my editing software, and now I want to know which version everyone prefers. The first one is SOOC (straight out of camera) without any editing applied.

1.

The second one I completely edited by hand, just eyeballing my levels.

2.

The third is a combination of me fixing the levels manually and then applying a downloaded edit. Only very slightly different from the one above.

3.

And the last one is just the downloaded editing action applied.

4.

I know which one I like the best but I'd like some feedback from all of you. So just leave a comment below letting me know which one is your choice and if you don't have a blogger account then leave your name so I know who is who. Thanks!!!

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