Epiphany
Tuesday, September 18, 2012 - Posted by -Kel at 1:01 PM
I woke up sobbing Sunday morning. It was only a dream, but the feeling that it left in its wake was unshakable. I could taste the fear and heart-break, and even though he lay next to me in the bed, I had a hard time convincing myself that the nightmare was not real.
Because to a point, it is real. Or has the potential to be real, anyway. Over the last couple of days I've thought about this dream almost continuously. There is truth in the words he spoke to me, things that deep down I was always aware of, but chose to avoid facing. I've got to face these things or I will risk losing two of the most important things in my life. My husband and my son.
I am mean. To the two people who love me most in the world, I am unnecessarily mean.
I am short tempered and quick to yell. The words "NO!", "STOP!", "ENOUGH", and "BE QUIET!" are common fixtures in my vocabulary at home. And not just to my lively, energetic son which in itself is bad enough. I am snarky and snappish to my husband. I speak to him condescendingly which is absurd because I am in no was superior to him. I take out my bad mood and attitude on him and I don't think twice about the way my words could hurt him, intended or not.
My mother gave me a book to read when I was 20, entitled "The Dance of Anger". I barely even glanced at it (literally, to the point that for months I thought the title was "The Danger of Anger"), and upon seeing the word "Anger" promptly tossed it in a corner of my room hoping to make it disappear. I scowled at the bedroom door thinking "I'm not the one with the problem lady, you are!". But I am.
I am an "angry" person with no reason for my anger that I am aware of.
Hubby said that it's just like we tell Squirt all the time; think before you do something. So how do you do that exactly? How do you make something that is completely unconscious, conscious? Because that is what a reaction is. An automatic, unconscious response to some stimulus. So how do I do it? Do I go back and find a copy of that book and attempt to read it? Would it do any good?
What do I do and how do I do it?